


Concern

by apthctx



Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Movies), Death Note: Another Note
Genre: AU, Addiction, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood, Child, Childhood, Cutting, Death, Death Note - Freeform, Edge - Freeform, Flashbacks, Innocent, Kissing, Knives, L - Freeform, Lies, M/M, Manipulation, Memories, Not Beta Read, Notebook, OOC everyone, OOC sayu, Obsession, One Shot, Plan, Psychological Drama, Psychology, Regret, Ryuk - Freeform, School, Shinigami, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide, Toddler, Violence, Window, Yaoi, and thrusttt, boyfriend - Freeform, gore ish, kind of maybe rape, lots of inner thoughts, mikami is being used, perfect raito, probably, raito is my fucking babyyyy, really smart light, slight depression, trigger warnings maybe???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 21:30:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7547881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apthctx/pseuds/apthctx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That morning, Raito comes bounding down the stairs with cuts on his arms. He wears a long sleeved shirt to hide it, but while he’s reaching for a bowl, Sayu catches sight of them. And maybe, it’s a cause for concern. (see tags)</p><p>Or in which Raito is a crazy fuck who needs to chill with all this angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Concern

**concern**

* * *

 

Raito feels hollow as he walks home. His school companions asked him if he wanted to accompany them to a party earlier, but he had declined knowing that that there was no need for him to be out being irresponsible when he has studying to do.

He’s perfect. He needed to keep that reputation up.

He calls out to his mother and heads to his room once he gets home.

He goes to study- He’ll be doing that until dinner, and then he’ll study more, and then go to sleep. In the morning, he’ll shower, study, go to school, come home, and the process will repeat.

Over and over and over and over again.

Raito feels hollow.

 

**\---**

Matsuda frowns as he walks out of his finished meeting, thinking about the victims of the case with numb discourage. He sighs through his nose.

The world is so cruel.

Rape, murder, terrorism, theft, suicide, discrimination, _hate_ -

Crimes, being committed every day, with _the law_ to get rid of them. _The law_ will serve justice- but _the law_ will also free a criminal if their lawyer has mouth big enough to spill out convincing lies. _The law_ will confide in policemen, _the justice upholders_ to solve a case. They will trust in them to know what case is important or not.

Oh, a woman was violated by a serial rapist? Poor her. Sure, we’ll look for her attacker- but, right after we finish looking for a suspicious person who’s been lurking around one house first. Kay?

Just-

Why can’t there be more intelligent people? Why can’t there be more open minded people? Why can’t there be more _good_ people?

All questions like this will forever be left unanswered, and Matsuda knows it.

And it makes him sad.

The young police officer walks to the lobby, and tucks a hair behind his hair. He holds his coffee in his hand, and spots Raito, Chief Yagami’s son walking into the building with a bag in his hand. Matsuda’s next step falters...

He suddenly blinks.

 _Raito_ …

“Ah! Hello Raito-kun!” Matsuda greets. “Did you come to drop off your father some clothes?”

“Yes.” Raito replies with a soft, and honey-lathered tone, offering him a smile. He takes the bag he’s carrying, and holds it out politely to Mastuda. “I’ll just leave this with you again, right? I’m sorry if i’m being a bother-”

“Oh nah, nah. Your dad’s in a meeting on a different case than me. I’m currently on break, so it’s my pleasure to take these for him!” Mastuda waves him off happily, and takes the bag. He bounces on his heels. “So, how’s school going for ya, Raito-kun?” He teases. “Do ya have a girlfriend or something yet?

“Oh, no no!” Raito blushes in slight embarrassment, and scratches the back of his head. (Mastuda laughs.) “Not really.”

“I’m surprised! You’re such a good guy, Raito. I’m sure you’ll find that special someone soon.” Mastuda nods cheerfully, and Raito hums in agreement. He looks over at his watch out of habit, and jumps in realization. “Oh! The next half of my meeting is starting! I have to go Raito-kun!”

“Of course.” Raito says, always so polite, elegant, mature. Frankly, Matsuda is jealous. “I’ll see you again soon, Matsuda-san.”

Matsuda says his soft goodbyes as well to Raito, and watches how the teenager stalks off towards the exit, looking poised and confident as ever-

Yes, there was no point in being so discouraged, he mentally tells himself. Raito was going to change everything for the better, Matsuda just knew it.

 

**\---**

Although Raito feels indifferent about everything, and has no favorites on anything- if you had to ask him what his favorite color was, he’d be able to answer that with ease:

Red.

His favorite color is red.

Apples are red. Blood is red. Even his own eyes, sometimes, are red. Red is the color of everything he loves.

(Raito adores it.)

 

**\---**

 

He stares at his own blood as it drips into the sink, and as he puts down the knife on the cutting board, along with the vegetables. Slowly, he maneuvers his finger to his mouth. He’s a bit proud of himself for not managing not to wince when he tastes that familiar metallic flavour blood always has.  

In fact, he kind of likes it…

The end of Raito’s mouth twitches.

 

**\---**

 

_“Daddy, I got a top score on my test today!”_

_“Hmmm? Again?” Soichiro teases, and ruffles his five year old son’s hair. “I’m so proud of you, Raito. My son is an absolute genius!”_

_“Of course I am.” Raito pipes up, and leans onto his father’s side, kicking his legs happily. “I’m the best student in my class, after all!”_  

_“Yes, you are.” his father agrees, and smiles kindly. “Why don’t you and me go and buy some ice cream this afternoon to celebrate? We can buy something for your mom and sister too.”_

_“Sayu can’t eat ice cream, Daddy.” Raito scrunches his face up. “She’s too small!”_

_“Oh, is she?” he taps his chin. “I didn’t notice!”_ _  
_ _“Dad!”_

_Soichiro lifts up Raito, his pride and joy, onto his shoulders and laughs, “I’m just joking, Raito. Now, what flavor do you want?”_

_“Vanilla!”_

_“Alright...”_

 

**\---**

 

Raito writes a poem.

_‘And it’s only as I emerge through the second nature of my hate when I learn I have never truly been free._

_It’s the choking wires that are pulling me into the waters, and even though they are shallow, I am still managing to drown and stay alive-’_

He slows down in his writing and blinks. No, that won’t do. This poem is too dark for the assignment. He needs to be a little more upbeat to maintain his comforting reputation. As much as he likes how he wrote this, he knows this poem will change how the teachers will view him. But still, he needs something that is completely beautiful. So, maybe if…

He erases the top row of words.

 _How silly_ , Raito numbly sighs. _To think a person like me would even struggle with something as simple as this. No, it’s not even a struggle for me. I’m just editing a poem, nothing else. This assignment is simple and easy.._

“Ahh, Raito-kun?” he hears. Raito blinks and looks up at the classmate who has decided to position themselves beside his desk. Raito plasters a semi-pleasant expression on his face.

“Yes..?” he asks, and puts down his pen. ( _His classmate is someone he recognizes;_ Teru Mikami, _a student heavily obsessed with law and order. He’s popular only because of his good looks, and the rumors spread about him confirm it..._ ) Raito forces a smile. ( _He may be a useful ally.._ ) “May I help you?”

“I noticed you were incredibly intelligent...” Teru starts. _Oh, what gave it away?_ Raito sarcastically thinks. _Was it my charming good looks?_ “Could you… possibly tutor me?” 

“Of course.” Raito nods his head kindly, and rests his head on his hand. “Anything for a fellow classmate.” ( _Please leave, I need to work on my poem...)_

“Thank you.” Teru sits down next to him with a sigh, and pushes up his glasses. “My name is Teru Mikami. I’m studying to become a lawyer.”

“Yagami Raito.” He says in return, and pushes away his irritation. “Studying to become a justice-upholder of some kind.”

“No specific profession chosen yet?”

“Unfortunately no. There’s just so much out there...” Raito makes sure to play his cards right, and he deals them out expertly. “But, since you want to be a lawyer, maybe you could help with figuring what to be? You seem like a smart guy!” 

Teru sputters a, “Oh, yeah, sure!” and looks away with a slight blush. Raito offers him a kind smile, and goes back to stare at the window, grinning on the inside. (Honestly, he’s a bit surprised someone as timid as Teru would even bother to confront him. Although Raito is very popular, people tend not to count on him to be a good friend. But now, he sees that maybe he should change that.

It would be good in the long run.)

 

**\---**

 

Raito finds this odd journal called the _Death Note_ in front of the school. If you write a person’s name in it, they’ll die forty seconds later.

It has to be a joke, right?

 

**\---**

 

Sayu rocks back and forth on her heels as she bangs on Raito’s door. “Hey, Oni-channnnn.”

“What?” she hears from the other side of the door. She looks down at her paper and squints at the wording.

“What does _earnest_ mean?”

A pause, then. “Why do you wanna know?”

“Homework.”

 Raito groans and opens the door. ( _Just drop the mask, big brother._ ) He stares down at her, and grabs her paper. He shakes his head, and smiles at her. “It means like honest care for someone.”

“Oh…” she grabs her pencil from her back-pocket, and presses the paper against the wall, writing some answers down. ( _We all know this isn’t you_ )

She looks back at her brother. ( _It never is you.._ ) “And, what does...” she reads her paper. “ _Reprimand_ mean?”

“Do you just wanna borrow a dictionary or something?” Raito asks and goes back into his room, rummaging in his desk drawer. ( _You’re hiding something…_ ) Sayu follows him. “I have a ton.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I don’t wanna be a nerd like you! Can’t you just tell me? You’re like a human dictionary, anyways.”

“Wha-” Raito flushes. ( _I WILL figure out what it is_ ) “Hey!”

“Ha!”

( _I swear on it... )_

 

**\---**

 

“Hey! So you’re the human who’s been writing in my notebook!”

 Raito screams.

 

**\---**

 

 _You have to fight fire with fire_ , Raito concludes. He breathes almost hysterically. _I’m doing the right thing, i’m riding the world of the vermin, onlyIcandoit!_  

 _The world is rotten,_ **_so_ ** _rotten. Iamthechosenone! I’m the perfect person! Only I can do this! What if it had fallen into someone else’s hands? They would have probably used it for selfish needs!!! There are so many bad people in the world, but, i’m not! I’m literally giving up my life for this cause-_  

 _I’m God!!!_  

 _I’m killing, sure, but i’m killing people who kill others. I’m doing the world a favor-!_  

Raito turns over on his bed, and clutches his pillow. _I’m a good person._

 

**\---**

 

“This is amazing.” Mikami gasps, glancing from him to the Shinigami. “Y-you’re amazing. Do you know what we can do with this? We can change the world-!”

“I figured out that even if you write a name on a sheet of paper that belongs to the notebook, people can still die.” Raito says. He hands Mikami a clump of papers in a folder. “Here.”

“What?” Mikami holds the papers  and gapes at him. “You want me to-?”

“I need you to help me change the world. Will you join my cause, Mikami?”

Mikami nods at him eagerly with stars in his eyes; Raito grins inwardly.

 

**\---**

 

_Raito makes his baby sister a poem for her fifth birthday. He reads it outloud, and all the moms present coo at how incredible of a big brother he is, while fellow children just scowl in jealousy._

_He tries not to let his irritation show as he accepts all the lousy compliments from everyone at the party. It just shows how much of fools all of them are. A child does one adorable thing, and suddenly, they are_ incredible. 

 _Stupid, goddamned idiots._  

 _“That was so thoughtful of you to make a poem.” his mother says. “You are such a good son.”_  

 _“Yes, I know Mom.”_  

 

**_Roses are red_ **

**_Violets are blue_ **

**_I’m so glad to have a sister_ **

**_As beautiful as you._**

 

**\---**

 

He’s locked in the bathroom and he’s cutting himself. He starts off with one mark, then there’s two, three, four, five…

He can’t stop. It’s addicting, and he loves the sensation. He _loves_ it. 

 _But I can’t keep hurting myself for blood._ He realizes afterwards. _People will start to notice…_

He stares at the news reporting on the television, and gets an idea.

 

**\---**

 

“Last week, there have been reportings of thirty seven deaths. Seven of those deaths were found in Japan, all being done in cold murder.”

Bloody and gory images of torn apart bodies are shown on the screen. Matsuda widens his eyes, and holds his breath. “-the rest of those deaths were being reported as heart attacks.”

A man speaks up from across the room, scanning over papers. “These killings appear to be random- the victims have no connection to each other, other than all being convicted of some sort of crime. These killings also seem to have no patterns, and each murder is located in random parts of the country-”

“Then how are we supposed to find out who did this?” a guy snaps.

“Evidence at the crime scenes?” Someone suggested.

“None.” A reply.

“There’s also reportings of random heart attacks in other countries too.” A gruff voice echoes. “No connection was seem to be found-”

Chief Yagami shakes his head and sighs, “This is going to be a stressful one.”

Matsuda couldn’t agree more.

 

**\---**

 

_KIRA HAS TO SAVE US ALL: ALL HAIL KIRA!_

 

Mikami grins at the webpage, and flips to another sheet of paper on his desk, taking out his pen to write more criminal names.

Together, he and his beloved Raito can change the world. They can be _Gods-_

 

**\---**

 

Raito licks his fingers clean of blood, as he stares at his latest victim.

  _Laduta Heranio. Serial rapist. Age 32. Works at a gas station, and has been arrested over 3 times..._

 _There’s no doubt that this man deserved to die._ Raito thinks and stands up, smiling at the crimson liquid on his jumpsuit. 

Kira Death Count: Sixty one. 

_All of them do._

 

**\---**

 

_“Raito!” Sayu sings. “Raito, I got you something!”_

_She sticks up a handful of flowers into her brother’s face before he could even reply. “Here!”_  

_“Hey!” he argues, and takes a step back in surprise. “Why’d you do that for?”_

_“I got you flowers!”_  

_Raito made a face. “But i’m not a girl, Sayu!”_

_“I got those for you though!” she whines loudly, and Raito shushes her._

_Sayu frowned, and watched as Raito stole a worried glance from mommy, who’s sitting on a park bench, reading. Raito’s expression changes immediately after that, and he smiles. “I know, sorry. Thanks, Sayu.”_  

_“Your welcome.” she huffs, and smiles smugly._

_“Do they smell?”_

_“I dunno! I just picked them from the sidewalk!”_

_“Oh…” Raito grabbed the flowers and sniffed them. He shrugs, and bounces off to mommy, showing her the flowers. “Look what Sayu got me, mommy!”_  

_“Oh, how cute!”_

_Sayu smiles and waves at the two from afar, hiding her confusion. Raito was weird…_

 

**\---**

 

“And you love me, even if I murder criminals..?” Raito asks shyly, looking away. Mikami nods, and holds him close.

“You are a God, Raito-kun. You’re doing this for the greater good of the world- I’ll love you no matter what.” 

They kiss.

 

**\---**

 

Chopsticks clank against plates.

“Dad, you seem pretty tired.” says Sayu. “You okay?”

“Yes.” Soichiro sighs. “This new case i’m working on is pretty difficult.”

Raito looks up from his food, and studies his father.

Sayu is right, he _did_ look tired. Well, he always looks tired, but now, he looks exhausted- like he might fall from sleep deprivation at any point in time. Raito feels sympathy for the man.

“What’s it about?”

Their mother sends Sayu a look.

“Now Sayu, you know your father can’t talk about his cases. It’s top secret and I don’t want you exposed that kind of thing...”

“No, it’s fine Sachiko. They’ll have to know sooner or later.” his father sighs. “It’s related to the Kira case. We’ve gro-”

_Kira?_

Raito stares at his fork to hide his surprised expression from his family.

_Of course, father is on the Kira case. I wonder if they have any leads? I’ve been making sure every killing is random… I’ve been killing and going on dates with Mikami on Sunday and Saturday, going to school, writing names in the afternoon, studying... There shouldn’t be any evidence on me, right? No, i’m perfectly fine. To everyone else, i’ll just look like a normal highschool student with nothing to hide._

_But, what about Mikami..?_  

“Hey son, you alright? You’ve been sort of quiet.” 

“Huh?” Raito pulls on a false smile. “Yeah, just thinking about the case.” he spills out lie after lie. “It’s kind of crazy there’s a guy with that power to kill so easily...Do you guys already have a profile on him? I just want to know how hard the police are working on this. I really want this guy to just go to jail already…”

“Me too!” Sayu pipes up. “He’s the one making you so tired Dad!”

“Raito, I can’t say much… I know you’ve helped the police on cases before, but I just want you to know that I won’t allow you to get close to this case. It’s too dangerous.” Soichiro states, and looks Raito in the eyes. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know _you_. Don’t go investigating this on your own, understand?” 

Father is protective… so it’s an affirmative. Kira _does_ have a profile. Hmmm. But whatever. There’s no possible way it could be linked to him. He’s been so careful up until now.

“Yes, dad. I understand. I’m just curious is all. I’m sorry.” Raito dips his head. “I promise, i’ll stay away from the Kira case.”

“Good.” Soichiro takes a sip of his drink. “Anyways, how are your studies going?’

“Oh, you know Raito.” His mother interjects, and sends her son a cheerful look. “ _Still_ the top student in Japan! We’re so proud of you, Raito.”

“Yeah, but he _still_ doesn’t have a girlfriend.” Sayu grins.

“And you’re _still_ not studying.” Raito rolls his eyes, and Soichiro laughs.

“Hey! I do too, study! Just because i’m not perfect like you, doesn’t mean I’m not smart, Mr. I-eat-books-for-breakfast-lunch-and-dinner!”

“Yeah, yeah!”

 

“They’ve already suspected a student..” Raito looks over the hacked files and hums. Ryuk floats nearer. 

“What’re you gonna do now, tough guy?”

Raito smiles at Ryuk and flops down on his bed with confidence. 

“Absolutely nothing.”

 

**\---**

 

Raito marks his left arm with one cut. 

Just _one._

Nobody will notice anyways… What’s one more?

 

**\---**

 

“Raito, are you okay..?” his mom asks him. He closes the cabinet, and takes out a bag of chips, glancing at her with a soft smile. 

“Yeah mom, why?” He replies, and she eyes him warily. Sachiko sighs, and moves over to him quietly.

“It’s just...you’ve been looking tired and distant.” She says gently. “I wanted to know if you were okay, or..?”

 _Damn, she noticed._ Raito mentally winces. He smiles reassuringly at her. “Of course I’m fine mom. Truthfully, i’m just a bit tired because of the exams and all. I’m sure once i’m done with all of that, i’ll be back to my usual rhythm.”

Raito’s mom sighs and pats his shoulder gently. “I’m sure you will.” she exhales. “I’m sorry, Raito. I’m just worried about my little baby boy is all.”

Raito opens his mouth to reply, to maybe say something like he’s _not_ a little kid, but she cuts him off by pressing a soft kiss on his hair. Raito blinks, and rubs his head as she leaves the room. He stares at the doorway with a shocked expression.

_Mom..._

 

**\---**

 

Teru Mikami presses Raito against the wall, and pins his hands above him with one arm, leaning forward to kiss him.

 “Nnnrgh.” Raito breathes messily. Mikami thrusts his tongue into his mouth, and Raito makes a little noise, as the two silently mix their saliva together. Raito tastes like mint and coffee and it’s _so good andhejustwantsmoreRaitoishishishishismineminemine_ -

“Mikami…” A moan.

He grunts in reply, and moves to softly kiss Raito’s jawline, trailing down his neck. His tongue swirls on his golden skin, and Mikami harshly sucks on it, nibbling as well. Raito’s breath shudders.

 Mikami presses a leg in between Raito’s hips, and he raises his shirt with his free hand. Mikami let’s go of Raito’s unmobile wrists, and allows his hands to wander Raito’s body. With half shut eyes, Raito presses his hands behind Mikami’s head, intertwining his fingers with his black locks, and hotly breathing against his ears. Mikami moves to kiss him again.

 “Mikami, _fuck_ -” Raito gasps hotly in between breaths as his hips are squeezed. “We need to get to class.”

 “Fuck class.” Mikami hisses, and brings Raito brings closer, harshly, gripping onto his waist. “I need you.”

_You’re mine mine mineminemine-_

“O-okay.” Raito whimpers, and as Mikami leans in to kiss him once more, he totally misses the glint in the brunette's sepia eyes.

_Forever, mine._

 

**\---**

 

“You’re being followed.” Ryuk tells him. Raito narrows his eyes.

“That might complicate things.” He mutters sarcastically. Ryuk cackles.

“Ya think?”

 

**\---**

 

Raito cuts.

Sachiko, she sees the marks on his arms. She sees them everywhere: on his wrists, on his triceps, biceps, on his palms, _in her dreams._  

Oh, she should have seen the signs.

What did she do wrong? Was Raito not getting enough attention? Was he being bullied? The psychiatrist says it could be for a number of reasons. Raito could simply just be curious, but she knows it’s more than that. Raito was too smart to cut just out of curiosity.

As Sachiko looks down at the brochure in her hands, she slowly realizes Raito’s strange and distant behavior has started ever since that Kira case.

Kira…

That crazy psychopath who’s killing criminals. Oh, _him_ … Why can’t he just leave people alone? Nobody actually _needs_ Kira. He’s just a liability to the police. People claim he’s justice, but Sachiko knows he isn’t. A person who kills is evil, no matter what. Maybe Raito knows something about Kira nobody else does, and in result is is feeling overwhelming guilt? Maybe he can’t handle it?

Oh, her poor baby... 

But, it’ll be fine. The therapist she was visiting earlier said it would. Soichiro and his team will catch Kira, and he’ll be back home with a happy smile in no time. Raito wouldn’t have to be sad anymore.

Kira is the monster.  He’s the cause of all of their problems. Once he’s done with, everything will be back to normal. She’s sure of it…

 

...But she isn’t so sure of that now she’s in an alleyway being violated against her will. In fact, she almost wishes that Kira will reign.

Almost.

 

**\---**

 

Soichiro puts the phone to his ear as he shuffles papers around on his desk. “Sayu, what is it? You know you shouldn’t be calling while i’m at work. Are you okay?”

 There are sniffles over the line but no answer. Soichiro furrows his eyebrows.

“Sayu?” 

“ _D-dad.._ ” Sayu whimpers. “ _Dad, mom- she’s-_ ”

Sachiko? Yagami can feel himself grow anxious. “What?” he barked nervously. “Sayu, what happened? Where’s your mother-?”

Sayu cries turn into sobs. “ _Mom...she, I...d-dead…_ ”

 _Dead._ Chief Yagami’s world stops. He can’t find any words. He refuses to believe-

“ _M-mom is dead! She- attacked-”_ Sayu is a mess, and is gasping for air. _“She’s a-at the hospital-_

No...

“Where’s your brother?!?!”

“ _B-bathroom...throwing up._ ” Sayu wails. “ _Dad, please come! Please! I just- mom’s dead!_ ” 

Soichiro drowns in Sayu’s cries.

 

**\---**

 

“ _Raito-_ ” 

“Mikami.” Raito interrupts, and leans against the bathroom door, wiping his mouth free of the disgusting bile he’d been previously been retching into the hospital toilet. “I want you to locate the man, _Asano Kikanda_.”

“ _Understood, my beloved. May I ask what for?_ ”

“No, you may not.” He snaps. “Call me back when you have where he is.” 

“ _Alri-"_  

He hangs up.

_Shitshitshitshit._

Raito runs his hand through his hair in frustration and leans against the wall. _Shit._

“How could I let this happen?” Raito mutters.

 

**\---**

 

 _“He’s just absolutely brilliant.” The teachers whisper to each other. “He passes every class, and he knows the answer to everything-”_  

_“And he’s in a higher grade’s advanced class?”_

_“Yes, he’s amazing!”_  

_“Such potential...”_

_Raito grins as he exits the boy’s bathroom._

 

**\---**

 

Raito is burning with hatred, revenge, slight grief, and utter self-loathing by the time he hears the fifth ‘ _i’m sorry for your loss._ ’

 

**\---**

 

 **Sunday**  

Experiment one: victim will write a suicide letter, then stab himself in a alley way.

( _Success. Victims of the Death Note can be controlled up until the even of their death._ ) 

Experiment two: Victim will gut himself, and with his blood, will draw an apple on the wall that looks like this [a small apple drawn by Raito is inserted here.]

( _Success. Victims of the Death Note can follow exact directions given. This adds to my first experiment._ )

 

**Saturday**

Experiment three: Victim will stab himself at 4:55 p.m in an alleyway, but it won’t be a fatal wound. He will be at the top of the eiffel tower by 5:00 p.m that same day.

( _A half fail. Victim did indeed stab himself and was found by the police in an alleyway. He was said to die of heart attack after he stabbed the police. This means, you can control the victim up until their death, but it must be something they can do realistically.)_

Experiment four: Victim will [bunch of incoherent] L’s face [scribbles and] stab himse [words are written]

( _same as the one abov_ [incoherent scribbles] _are limits)_

 

**\---**

 

(“You okay son?” Soichiro asks his son, patting his back softly. “You don’t look so well.”

“Yeah. you know, with everything happening… and stuff, I just don’t feel the same rhythm I used to.” Raito looks away with a sigh.

“I know.” Soichiro frowns, and pulls his child into a hug. “I miss her too...Why don’t you go out with some friends this Sunday to take your mind off of all of this? It’ll do you some good to go out.”

“I think I might.” Raito replies, as he pulls back. He wipes his ‘tears’. “I’ll work something out with Mikami.”

“Ah, yes, Teru Mikami.” Soichiro nods. “He’s a good boy… Don’t worry Raito. A ride around town will do you some good.”

“Yeah.” Raito offers him a smile. “I know.” _)_

Raito goes on a date with Mikami on Sunday: They get on a bus, a criminal gets on, threatens the passengers on the vehicle, and practically makes everyone on the bus shit themselves. His stalker, who he learns is an FBI agent, shows him his badge, and Raito doesn’t forget to remember his name. Raito drops a slip of paper on the floor, and the criminal touches it, only to scream at the back door of the bus for a couple of moments, and runs off. He’s hit by a car.

There’s blood everywhere, and frankly, it takes every fiber in his being to not laugh.

It was just another day in the life of Yagami Raito.

 

**\---**

 

_There are whispers in the classroom._

_“What’s he doing?”_

_“Reading I think…”_

_“Pfft, what a nerd!”_

_Raito barely pays to them as he scans the top page of the new chapter he’s on. He’s in art class now, and although Raito could pretend to like this class and enjoy it, he knows it won’t affect in grades in the slightest whether he acts or not, so he’s completely indifferent to the simple drawing instructions given._

_“Raito…” a teacher rests their hand on his shoulder. “Honey, it’s art time. Maybe you should start drawing something so the teacher can hang it up on the wall...”_

_“No, thank you.”_

_The teacher seems taken aback. “No? I, uh-”_

_“I do not wish to draw anything. Please leave me alone.”_  

 _“Raito-”_  

_He snaps his book shut and goes sits somewhere else._

 

_“He’s a very bright child.” The teacher explains over the phone. “But he’s very distant and cold. He doesn’t speak to anyone, and he doesn’t seem to want to express his creativity in any way. Maybe you should consult a professional about this…”_

_“Raito is the perfect child.” Soichiro argues. “Are you saying he has a problem?”_

_“No, no! He’s absolutely brilliant-”_

_“Raito is perfectly fine!”_

_“I know! It’s just maybe he’s too detached-!”_

_His mother is more empathetic. “Thank you for calling. We’ll see what we can do.”_

_“Oh! Ah, very well...Good night.”_

_“Good night.”_

_Sachiko sends her husband a worried look after that. “Maybe we should call a professional.”_

_“What?” Soichiro furrows his eyebrows. “Raito doesn’t have any problems, why would we-”_  

 _“You’re barely home.” she snaps. “You don’t know him as much as you think you do. You should see him. He barely talks to anybody, he doesn’t have any friends, I just- He needs someone to guide him.”_  

_She sighs and leans against him. “Soichiro, i’m just concerned…”_

_Raito’s father purses his lips and hugs her, guiltily shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I know I should be home more….I’ll…i’ll look into it tomorrow.”_

_“Thank you. You’ll see. It’s for the best.”_

 

**\---**

 

“Nnnrgggh!” Raito gasps out, as Mikami harshly bites and sucks on his neck. He shows no mercy- he wants to leave marks. He wants to show everyone that Raito is _his._

Mikami pulls up, and he pins Raito’s wrists above his head,  and onto the pillow. As he bends down again to kiss him, he catches a glimpse of a _millions_ marks on his arms, and abruptly, he stops.

_What…?_

All over Raito’s sleeveless arms, are scars. All are new, old, big, small...and every single one of them look deep and painful. They overlap each other and there are just a _million of them. So many_ fucking scars...Mikami can feel his stomach pull into knots.

“Mika..?” Raito whines. Mikami blinks, and turns back to his lover, offering him a soft, reassuring smile. He bends down to kiss him again, loosening the grip on his wrists a little.

_What have you’ve been doing, beloved?_

 

**\---**

 

Raito goes to a subway station: He dresses badly, confronts the FBI agent he met earlier that week, threatens his fiance, makes him write down the names of the other FBI agents on a sheet of paper, and then kills him once he walks out of the subway train he was on.

Just another day in the life of Yagami Raito.

 

**\---**

 

**‘L, do you know, gods of death like apples?’**

L frowns.

 

**\---**

 

“P-please-” The man chokes under his grip. “No..”

Raito loves the way his eyes flash with fear, and he loves how the man spills blood when he stabs him, and he loves the way the crimson liquid feels on his fingers as he draws out his signature apple doodle on the wall. Yes, this is almost good as cutting. Almost.

( _LET THEM ALL KNOW THAT KIRA SHALL RULE-)_

 

**\---**

 

He looks around himself and he sees nothing but the mention of Kira everywhere. He notices how happier everyone is, and or once in his life, Mikami is actually _part_ of the world.

Mikami sighs and lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling above him. Yes, he’s making everything better. He’s killing people, he knows that. He’s just as bad as criminals, but in the end, that doesn’t matter. The only way to defeat evil, is to fight it with evil. It’s the only way. 

With Raito, anything can be possible.

 

**\---**

 

 _“Hey Mom.”_  

_“Hey honey! How was your first day at school?” she asks. Raito closes the car door and sets his school bag next to him, buckling himself in._

_“It was fine.”_

_“Did you make any new friends?”_

_“No.”_

_“Oh…” Sachiko frowns and begins to drive off towards their home. “Well, i’m sorry honey.”_

_“It’s okay mom. I don’t need friends- school is about education.”_

_Well yes…” her fingers drum on the steering wheel. “But it’s good for you to have friends to build your social skills. Everybody needs friends, even a perfect child you, my Raito.”_

_Sachiko watches Raito shift from the back seat. “I’ll try tomorrow.”_

_“Good idea, honey.” she smiles falsely.  “I’m sure you’ll make plenty of friends.”_  

_The rest of the car ride was silent._

_(and she knows just as well as Raito how empty his promise is)_

 

**\---**

 

Raito goes to drop off his dad’s clothes: He goes to the building his dad works off, meets a woman, walks with her, learns she’s the FBI agent’s fiance, manipulates her, writes down her name and fate on a sheet of paper, then sends her off to commit suicide.

Just another day in the life of Yagami Rai-

 

**\---**

 

“There’s a 10...no not even 10, more like a 5 percent chance that your son is Kira.” L says to Soichiro’s shocked face. “But I know I can’t be wrong to suspect him.”

“B-but if it’s just a 5 percent chance, then shouldn’t we be looking at suspects with higher percentages then?” Matsuda stammers. “I’ve known Raito since he was small- I know he would never murder ruthlessly….h-he’s not a cold blooded killer!”

“Yes, but still.” L mumbles, and places his thumb over his bottom lip. “He’s just too perfect.”

“Yes, but-”

L turns around in his swivel chair. “Chief Yagami, I request that we install surveillance cameras in your household-”

Sounds of protest ring around the room.

“No, this is a violation of privacy! You can’t just expect-”

“-completely illegal! This isn’t morally right-!”

“Chief, your daughter-!”

“No-” Soichiro holds up a hand, and it’s suddenly, it’s quiet. L holds some degree of respect for the man. “No, L, if you truly believe my son is Kira...then please install the cameras. I want my family’s name to be cleared.”

“Thank you for cooperating.”

 

**\---**

 

He comes home to find that his door’s security system is messed up; the lead in the door is broken, the handle is back to it’s original place, but the slip of the paper in the door has been put back… It’s not hard to conclude that someone has been in his room. 

He enters cautiously, and scans the area. He sets his bookbag on his desk chair, and looks around, narrowing his eyes as he begins his homework. 

“There’s cameras in your room.” Ryuk tells him later. Once he’s outside of the house, Raito works out a deal with the shinigami that in exchange for him finding all the cameras in the house, he’ll give him apples. Ryuk obliges, having nothing else better to do.

He texts Mikami to come over on Sunday, and to not mention anything of Kira in the house, just in case there’s bugs. He knows his ‘boyfriend’ won’t fail him.

When that Sunday comes, Raito wastes no time in chatting with Mikami about life, cuddling with him on his bed and becoming a moaning mess in his arms. The two shed their clothes, and exchange needy kisses- it’s not long before Raito finds himself arching his back onto the mattress and moaning every time Mikami thrusts into him.

Raito is fighting off a grin- As far as everyone knew, Yagami Raito was innocent, and the only thing he was hiding was his lustful relationship with his ‘boyfriend’. He knows he’s victorious, and the camera’s burning glare makes it all the better.

 

**\---**

 

_Raito was the perfect child._

_That much was obvious the moment he was born. Sachiko could never forget the feeling she had experienced when she first held her newborn child in her arms. He was so small and innocent back then...She knew he would be perfect. So, Sachiko named him perfectly too._

_Light/Raito Yagami- after the english word for brightness, and with the kanji spelling for moon. She thought it was ironic and meaningful, and as she watched her son grow and mature, she knew she was right to choose this._

_It was true, Raito was distant at school at times, but he was always talkative when with his family. As a toddler, he talked about many things. The sky, the water, writings, history. He was an intelligent, and wondrous child. He was curious, and he soaked up every new bit of information like a sponge._

_He still did, even after he moved on on to a new grade. Raito was incredibly clever. No, he wasn’t clever, he was_ brilliant. _He was the top of his school, and always stayed that way. He never failed an assignment, and God forbid he actually ever fail a class. Her child was smart, kind, humble, cheerful, handsome and incredible. Yes, Raito was the perfect child. (no, there’s something wrong.)_

_Absolutely perfect. (really wrong)_

_She restates that in her head around a million times that night during dinner. Saichiro finally had joined them for dinner, and in between Sayu’s babbling, and Saichiro attempting to calm her down, she doesn’t notice how quiet Raito has become._

_“I’m finished.” He says. “May I be excused?”_

_She and her husband exchange looks, but eventually, she finds herself nodding. “Of course, honey! But don’t you want to stay for dessert?”_

_“No thank you. I need to study for a test tomorrow.”_

_Yes, Raito was the perfect child. Always studying, always polite, always kind._

_“Oh, okay then...er, good luck!”_

_And nothing could ever change that._

_“Thanks.”_

_(Right?)_

 

**\---**

 

“You can’t tell dad, okay?”   

“Sure, whatever, but this is your big secret?” Sayu exclaims and looks over Mikami with an observant eye. “You're not what I expected…” 

“Sayu!” Raito exclaims. “Be nice!” 

“Oh it’s fine.” Mikami kisses Raito’s hand lovingly, and Sayu squeals something along the lines of ‘oh that’s so cute!’ 

Raito rolls his eyes.

“Will you stay for dinner?” Sayu asks later, and Raito looks over to Mikami, who nods and replies with a ‘I don’t see why not’. 

Raito helps Sayu cook, and orders Mikami to cut the vegetables up. The three of them chat, and Mikami aims to constantly make Sayu laugh, which he succeeds at doing. Oh, how innocent they must all look. Just a girl, her brother and his boyfriend all having fun and laughing away- How could anyone _ever_ convict one of them of being Kira? ( _is the sarcasm evident?_ Raito wonders snarkily.)

 

They all watch TV together. 

Raito and Mikami are at the dining table, and Sayu on the couch. 

“You’re sister is nice.” Mikami mumbles to him. Raito raises an eyebrow and he continues. “Do you think she’ll ever-?”

“Unlikely.” Raito waves him off, making sure that he isn’t giving too much away. “My room is secure. Nobody will ever find those _magazines_ of ours.”

Mikami nods and holds Raito’s hand, rubbing his thumb against his golden skin. “You are brilliant.” He sighs. Raito gives an apathetic hum in return. 

“Woah, look!” Sayu exclaims. Raito looks over at Sayu, and before he can say anything, Sayu is reading what’s on the screen outloud. “They’re planning to send, like, a ton of agents to investigate Kira-!” 

( _L_ …)

“That’s stupid of them.” Raito responds, and says something along the lines of, “If they were really doing this, then they wouldn’t just broadcast it- This is probably a trick.” 

Mikami stares.

 

**\---**

 

-seven cuts, eight, nine, ten…

 

**\---**

 

**_If only you didn’t exist._ **

_Raito stares at the class bully, Kei, as he laughs away with his classmates, snorting._

_“-And then, I got all his money!” Kei grins. Raito frowns; Kei seems to notice._  

_“Hey! What are you staring at, pretty boy?” Kei scowls._

_“Nothing. I was just thinking, that’s all...” Raito says calmly._  

_“Thinking in my direction?!?!? What? You gay or somethin?”_

_“No.” Raito sighs. “It was a mere coincidence. I apologize. I didn’t mean to be so rude.”_

_Kei has a smug look on his face, and turns back to his friends._

_“That’s what I thought, nerd.”_

**_If only you were dead._**

 

**\---**

 

He’s perfect he’s a genius _he’sSharingHisSpeechWithALousyJerk-_  

“I just wanted to tell you.” he’s whispering into his ear. “I’m L.”

Raito wants to laugh.

 

**\---**

 

Raito moves on to cut his upper arms now. It feels numb and it feels _cool._

Meanwhile, Sakura TV has been busy with Kira tapes.

 

**\---**

 

Raito doesn’t know how he does it, but he manages to keep L and Mikami separate from each other. As far as L knows, Mikami is just a law student, and as far as Mikami knows, Raito is just off trying to save the world.

 

**\---**

 

When Raito was around seven, his parents started taking him to therapists due to his ‘distant behavior’. He remembers very well how every single one of those sessions went, and he recalls himself hating all of them.

All those stupid doctors were stupid, and _fake_. To them, he was a child genius who gave them a challenge, and Raito made sure to shut down that train of thought immediately. He forced his attitude to change from then on. He tried to be like a normal child, and made himself seem happy and social. Soon, his parents noticed, and his father instantly stopped bringing him therapist's, much to his younger self’s joy.

It hadn’t taken much work, maybe a couple of months, but by the time he was ten, he was deemed as the perfect child by everyone around him. And Raito knew, that he was, in fact, a perfect child. He made a very  convincing act of trying to be polite, happy, kind, smart, helpful, generous, and overall, adorable. It wasn’t hard to win the hearts of teachers, girls, and yes, even boys too. He was perfect, and he would be deemed perfect forever, that much Raito knew.

He was too handsome and smart to be anything else. He was perfectperfectperfect, and everyone knew that perfect people didn’t need therapists, or psychytrists, or _doctors._ I mean, of course they didn’t! _They were perfect!_ Raito was set on his belief. 

But somewhere, in the back of his mind, in a part he never listens to because it’s quiet and lonely and empty, he thinks that maybe, just maybe he needs a doctor now more than ever. (But of course, he’ll never admit that. He’s just _too perfect to ever do that_.)

 

**\---**

 

Misa Amane becomes a new pawn in Raito’s game a few night’s later. But he has that bothersome shinigami of hers always lurking around.

 _She’s not needed here_...Raito thinks, and he thinks hard.

 

**\---**

 

...twelve, thirteen, fourteen, _fifteen cuts_ -

Raito gives out a grin before he passes out in the bathroom.

 

“You need to stop doing this.” Mikami hisses at him, and bandages his arms a little more. He gives Raito a glass of water, and allows him to sip on it. “You’ll kill yourself one of these days!”

“I’m sorry, Mikami.” Raito mumbles. Mikami sighs, and holds Raito close to him, laying him down on his chest.

“You’re so foolish…”

 

**\---**

 

“Misa, you want to help Kira, right?” 

“Of course! Misa Misa wants to save the world!”

“Good, then I want you to write down a criminal’s name once for every hour of the day. I won’t be able to write anymore now that i’m part of the taskforce now. I’m counting on you Misa.”

“O-okay.” 

“I expect 24 deaths every day. Can you do this?”

“Y-yes!”  Misa huffs and grins with determination. “Don’t you worry Raito! I can do this! Misa won’t fail you!”

“I know you won’t.” _Good girl._

 

**\---**

 

“ _Another death of a criminal has been reported today. The victim’s name was Hodikeu Lashite, age 27-_ ”

Sayu sighs and turns off the television, turning to the stove. She moves around the food and peers into the pot, before serving it. She has to admit, she’s pretty proud of herself for being able to cook so well now. It’s not as good as Raito’s, but damn, she’s getting there, and that’s enough.

“Raito!” she calls, and bangs her wooden spoon against the pot, smiling at her own silliness. “Dinner is ready! Come on and get it before it’s all cold just like your soul, you heartbreaker!”

The door upstairs that belongs to his brother’s room swings open. “Haha. Very funny, Sayu.” Raito says as he walks down the stairs.

“I try.” Sayu replies, and sticks out her tongue at him. She places the plates on the dinner table. “Are you going to eat upstairs again?”

“Yeah, I got gotta study... Sorry, Sayu. I know we should have more sibling bonding.” Raito winces as he moves to pick up his plate. ( _you always lie..._ ) Sayu beams at him.

“Nah, it’s okay! I know how hard you’re trying. I get it- grown up stuff and all that.” She waves him off. ( _just stop, for once..)_ “Good luck, big bro!” 

Raito makes a little noise, and Sayu drops her smile once she hears his door slam. She picks up her fork and takes a bite of her food, turning on a channel that’s talking about Hideki Ryuga.

She feels empty.

( _please..._ )

 

**\---**

 

“Damn this man…” L mutters beside him. Raito hums in response, and tugs his sleeves down out of habit, before continuing to look at the computer.

 

**\---**

 

 _“Daddy, look!”_  
  
_Soichiro turns to look at what Sayu’s pointing at, and gives out a soft hum. “Yes, that’s a pretty doggy, Sayu.”_  
  
_“What kind is it?”_

 _“It’s a german shepard. It’s pretty popular in the United States, you know.”_  
  
_“Oh..” Sayu makes an ‘o’ shape with her mouth, then bounces in her chair. “Can we get a dog?”_  
  
_“Oh no, Sayu. You know your brother and I are allergic to dogs.”_

 _“What about a cat?”_  
  
_Soichiro looks over to her, and chuckles, stopping the car at a red light. “Well…”_  
  
_“Pleaaase!”_  
  
_“Well, maybe.”_  
  
_“Yaaaaay!”_  
  
_“But shh. Me and your mother were planning on getting one for your brother’s birthday party this weekend, so don’t say anything.”_  
  
_“Oh!” Sayu’s face lights up. “Is it gonna be a kitty?”_

 _“Yes, three months old. You must keep this a secret, though, Sayu. Our little thing, okay?”_  
  
_“Oh, yeah, I promise!” she bursts into joyful laughter. “Aweeeee, kitty! Yay!”_

   
  
_Sayu is ecstatic. When Raito comes home  from school that afternoon and asks her what she’s so happy about, she only giggles in response, leaving her brother slightly confused. Raito concludes it’s probably a girl thing, and just falsely smiles along with her, going up to his room to study-_  
  
_-and when Raito’s birthday comes, and he receives the kitten Sayu has been so excited about, he makes sure he looks happy, for his family’s sake._  

_The kitten dies a week later._

 

**\---**

 

There used to be a time where Raito was set on a belief that manipulating a person’s feelings for their personal use was wrong. He wishes he could say that he still feels the same, but with everyone he’s using... 

Misa, Mikami, Sayu, Mom, Dad.... 

He can’t really deny that he’s the pupeteer. And, Raito doesn’t want to deny. He likes admitting he’s using them. He likes the control, and he likes how it feels. He’s the pure leader, the king, the god, and everyone around him are pawns.

People are just meant to be used.

“You’re mine. I refuse to hand you over to that witch.” Mikami breathes into his mouth. Raito hums, and allows himself to be pushed onto the bed. “ _Minemineminemine._ ”

“I know, but don’t you worry darling, I have a plan.”

 

**\---**

 

Raito volunteers to be in confinement. For around two months, he’s locked up. For around two months, Teru writes names in the death note. For around two months, Misa is oblivious.

And, for around two months, he talks to himself. He talks to L, he recites poems, graphs, speeches, and as much as he can to keep his brain active. He can feel himself slowly going crazy. There is nothing to do, and his sleep schedule is off now, he knows. Raito can’t help but wanting to feel blood on the tip of his tongue again. He wants to taste apple, or chips, or _something_. He wants something to remind himself of reality. He wants to see mom, dad, Sayu, L, Mikami-

_Mikami._

Oh, he hopes the fool has found someone to give the notebook to by now. _He just hopes everything goes to plan…_

His cell door opens.

And then his own father driving them off and is telling him how he’s Kira and how he’s going to be executed. Raito is going mad. _No, NO! Mikami, you fucking idiot! I told you to find someone there’s_ **_no way_ ** _Lcouldhaverealizednononononononono-_

His father is sticking a gun to his head now, and Raito reaches for his watch, but he realizes he has no pen with him, and that he won’t have enough time to prick himself to write his name, so he just begs and cries and Misa is screaming and he’s in tears and his father is screaming something about hell and then is _pullingthetrigger_ -

**BAM**

 

“You’re sick, L.” Raito mutters to L afterwards. “Absolutely demented.”

“I know.” L replies. Raito scowls at him and splashes his face with water from the sink. It feels so nice to touch water, to touch _something_ other than a dirty floor. _I’m free._ He numbly thinks. _I’m free._

 “I hate you.” He says to L.

 Raito thinks he sees a faint smile on L’s face, but he isn’t so sure-

“I know.”

 

**\---**

 

Raito is handcuffed to L, and he just wants to killhimselfwhyis L so annoying?

“Can’t we just go to sleep now, Ryuuzaki?” asks Raito, frowning. “I can’t work correctly if i’m sleep-deprived. Not everyone is an insomniac like you.”

“In a bit, Yagami-kun. Let me finish this…” L’s sentence ends off with a soft mumble.

Raito wants to scream- He feels numb.

 

**\---**

 

He hates this.

He hates being chained to Ryuzaki with every fiber of his being. He wants to be on his own again. He wants to win. He wants Mikami to fuck him like he used to. He wants Misa to annoy him. He wants to never see cake again. He wants to be eight again. He wants to go to therapy. He wants to stop feeling numb. He wants to be normal. He wants privacy. He wants to go outside. He wants to _kill…_

Ryuuzaki’s death is so close, so why can’t Raito just grasp at it?

“Do you want a piece of cake, Raito-kun?” L offers. Raito shakes his head with a soft ( _fakefakefake_ ) smile.

“Nothankyou, Ryuuzaki.”

“Suit yourself.” L mutters, and turns around, beginning to fill his mouth with soft strawberry cake. 

 _I hope you choke on it and die._ Raito harshly thinks.

 

**\---**

 

_“I gotta what now?”_

_Raito sighs and waves his racket around in annoyance. “You gotta throw the tennisballs at me, Sayu! I’m practising to become a tennis player! You just throw them, and I hit them. That’s it.”_

_“That’s girly…”_

_“Come on, please, Sayu? If I practice and get good, then mom will let me compete!”_

_“Why won’t she let you compete now?”_

_Raito smiles widely. (and it’s fakefakefakefake) “She’s worried. You know how she is. If I show her, I can handle it, then she’ll let me! Please, Sayu?”_

_“Fine..” Sayu groans, and grabs a yellow tennis ball. “But, I want all of your desert for a day- no! A week!”_

_“Deal.”_

_Sayu grins. “Okay, here!”_

_She throws the ball._

 

**\---**

 

 _I can’t take this._ Raito lays on the bed and stares up at the ceiling with dread and frustration. L is typing on his computer next to him, oblivious to Raito’s silent anger. _I need to be free. I need L to die. I need a way out. Someway. Somehow…_

 _I need_ freedom.

_And i’ll get i-  I just need to distracthimsomehow._

 

**\---**

 

A month later, Misa is confronted by a stalker. The stalker dies due to a heart attack, and sadly, Rem dies too- just as planned.

 

**\---**

 

_I want to be free free free free free._

 

**\---**

 

_Teru Mikami_

Dies due from blow to the head

Writes something at 4:18 pm, according to what Raito instructed of him. He will hide a knife in his pocket  before he goes on a date with Raito around 5:00 pm. He notices Raito is accompanied by a strange man Teru learns to be L. Teru becomes aggressively jealous and crazily possessive of Raito. He confesses to being the first Kira, and says he’s already planned to kill Misa, before attacking L in a park. In a fight between L, a police officer intervenes. Teru fights the police officer, and dies due to a blow to the temple at 5:35 pm.

_Lokota Hasemi_

Heart attack

Will be walking around the park around 5:30, making sure the park is peaceful. He will notice a fight break out between two men and goes to intervene. He concludes that the one with longer hair is the one who need to be stopped, and attempts to restrain him. Lokata fights the man, and will try to hit the him the head. He will die of a heart attack at 5:33 pm.

 

**\---**

 

_Free free free free freefreefree_

 

**\---**

 

Raito stares with wide eyes at the police officer and his boyfriend. He shakily puts a hand over his mouth, and yells in what L assumes to be terror.

“Raito-kun-” he starts.

“They’re dead!” Raito cries out. ( _Is this real or not?_ L wonders.) “Mikami is-is Kira, and he just-”

Raito collapses onto the floor. ( _Was this part of your plan, Raito Yagami?)_ “Oh gosh!” he muffles his cries.

L frowns. ( _Did you kill your own boyfriend?_ )

 

**\---**

 

Raito is barely home anymore. The house is always empty- Mom and dad’s room is always empty. Sayu is always empty. 

Stupid Kira. It’s all his fault. She buries her face into her hands, and just cries. Why can’t he die?

There was a time in her life, where Sayu actually thought that Kira was an okay guy. She knew he was helping in a way- by getting rid of crimes and bad people. This would mean that dad could stay home more, and Raito wouldn’t have to worry about becoming a police officer. Home would be happy, for the first time since mom’s death.

But Sayu realizes now, it will never ever be happy. And Sayu just feels so _fucking empty._

 

**\---**

 

When Raito and L come to the taskforce headquarters later that day, Chief Yagami demands answers.

“What’s going on?” he barks. “Why do you look so… disheveled?”

“Raito-kun’s boyfriend attacked me and was killed by a police officer.” L explains. He can feel Raito shift from beside him, and from the corner of his eyes, he watches how the teenager rubs his arms as if he was cold.

“Boyfriend?” Chief Yagami echoes. L suddenly realizes that he’s the only one to have actually seen Raito and Mikami as a couple. Ever since that surveillance camera incident… 

“Mikami, Dad.” Raito’s voice is strained. Tears are threatening to fall from his eyes, though L feels as if something is off. “He’s my boyfriend and he’s dead…” Raito’s voice is now barely above a whisper. “He’s Kira.”

Chief Yagami looks like he wants to ask more about Mikami, to ask when his son even turned fucking _gay_ , but with one look at Raito’s face, he knows now is not the place nor time. Instead, Chief Yagami places a hand on Raito’s shoulder, and sighs a, “I’m so sorry, son.”

“Speaking of Kira,” L starts. “I find it hard to believe Mikami is actually him.”

Raito trembles.

(L is so lost- he can’t decide if the teenager is acting or not. He’s always been able to partly tell, but now… he’s just- confused?)

“What are you saying Ryuuzaki?” Matsuda asks timidly. “I mean, what’s to say he’s not? You still can’t think that Raito is-” 

L cuts him off. “No, Mikami is not Kira. This is all just an act. This was all staged. I believe Raito is the first Kira, and Mikami is the second Kira. I am seventy-six percent certain that the real Kira has planned all of this.”

And beside him, Raito loses it--the once calm and collected demeanor he once had just breaks, and he begins to suddenly cry uncontrollably.

“That’s enough, Ryuuzaki.” Raito’s father snaps. He takes his child into his arms, and rubs his back soothingly. Raito buries his face into his chest. “I think we’ve all been through a lot, my son especially. Raito needs a break from this investigation.”

“Mikami is dead.” Raito moans through tears. He clutches his father’s shirt. “D-dad, he’s just _gone,_ and _he’s Kira._ ”

 “There, there Raito-san.” Matsuda tries. “He’s in a better place now!”

L ignores them. “Just because he died does not mean-”

“Ryuuzaki!” Chief Yagami says. L blinks, and suddenly, Chief Yagami gives this _look._ This really sad and pleading look, “Ryuuzaki, please, just for a week. Raito can’t take much more of this. Let him grieve, just for a little while, just for a week.”

Everyone looks at him expectantly. Raito continues his silent crying. He sounds like he’s gasping for breath, and L grits his teeth. Damn Kira, damn _him!_

“Fine.” L finally says. Everyone sighs, and Raito just cries and cries and cries.

It was all just disguised laughter in the end.

 

**\---**

 

Mikami is dead.

Raito stares numbly at his grave. Mikami, his boyfriend, is dead.

At first he’d thought he’d be perfectly fine to get rid of Mikami, and he’s right, it _is_ fine. Mikami had to die in order for him, so he could be free. Raito rubs his bruised wrists, and misses the look L casts at him 

Mikami was a pawn, and he was part of the game. Mikami was there for him to kill. Mikami was a tool. Mikami was _nothing._

(So why does Raito feel like this?)

Mikami is dead.

 

**\---**

 

“L’s name, Misa.” Raito shakes her shoulder’s. “What is it?”

“I- I don’t know.” Misa stutters. “His name isn’t Japanese, I couldn’t recognize the lettering, I-”

 _Dumb dumb girl!_ Raito screeches and pulls at his hair. “Misa, you idiot!”

“I’m sorry!” she whimpers. “I don’t-”

“Figure his name out!” Raito barks. “Now! Do it!”  Misa nods pathetically and goes to do as she’s told. Raito screams at the ceiling, at the wall, at _everything._  

**_Why can’t Misa do anything right?!?!?_**

 

**\---**

 

L listened to the requests of the Taskforce to let Raito be free of handcuffs for a week, just to let him get himself together after what happened- but once that week was up, Rato finds himself chained back to L again. _Nononononono._ Raito can’t seem to take it anymore. _Everything is confinement and suspicions and nothing is going my way-_

_I can’t take it anymore._

 

**\---**

 

L notices the cuts and scars on Raito’s wrists and arms. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t.

 

**\---**

 

 _They’re all fools._ Raito thinks numbly, as he stares at L. _All of them are fucking fools. I’m fucking perfect. I’m killing because I have to, i’m Kira i’m God im perfect perfect perfect perfect perfectperfectperfectperfect..._

 

**_\---_ **

 

_“Hey Shino-chan.” Raito happily greets. Shino jumps and turns away from her group of friends to say hello._

_“Oh, hi Raito-kun!” She cheers. She politely excuses herself from her friends and goes over to meet him under a tree. “What’s wrong?”_

_“I was just wondering…” Raito flushes. “Would you like to date me?”_  

_“Wha-” Shino sputters. “Me-? I-”_

_Raito immediately retreats, much to her confusion, and takes a step back. “Oh, no. I’m so sorry. That was stupid to ask- I..”_

_“No!!” Shino exclaims. She grabs Raito’s hands and shakes her head. “No, i’d love to date you!”_

_“Really?” Raito has a hopeful look, and Shino’s heart flutters. “Even if i’m a…” He looks down. “Freak?”_

_“Freak?” Shino repeats, and furrows her eyebrows sadly. “You aren’t a frea- Raito, why do you think you’re a freak?”_

_Raito sighs and slides down the tree, and onto the ground. Shino joins him, and in the corner of her eye, she watches her friends leave to go to an icecream shop. “It’s just that, for the past month, everybody has been looking at me oddly. I see people whispering behind my back and…” Raito buries his face in his hands. “Did I do something wrong?” He whispers. “I don’t want people to think i’m a bad person...”_

_Shino is dying inside, and she instantly comforts him. Seeing Raito so sad, makes her sad too. How could anyone ever think of hurting someone as kind and precious as Raito-? “No, no! There’s just a rumor going around. Nobody actually believes it, I-”_

_“A rumor?” Raito looks up sadly. “What rumor?”_

.

.

.

_Shino tells him._

_(tense cracking voice, mastered at age 6.)_

 

**\---**

 

_(It’s like you've been throwing a ball at glass, slowly making it crack, until it finally breaks and shatters-)_

_Freefreefreefreefree._ Raito carefully pockets a butcher knife the next time the two are in the kitchen. He hides the weapon carefully on his person, and after that, everything seems to be automatic for him. He smiles at everyone, he makes intelligent deductions here and there, but once L is ready to retire, and is brushing his teeth in the mirror-

Raito decides to stab him in the head. 

L stops him before he could even land a blow, and he finds himself on the bathroom floor with his arm held behind him. _HeknewwhatIwasgoingtodothiswholetimewhywhywhy_

“I caught you.” L twists his arm more, and Raito cries out in both pain and fear. “ _Kira._ ” 

Raito screams.

 

**\---**

 

_Raito cuts through his arm’s skin with a blade, and he stares as the blood drips onto the bathroom floor. It’s all so beautiful._

 

**\---**

 

 _Bloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodblood_ -

“Kira is to be executed.”

Raito sits there and he’s silent and quiet and calm and perfect - _BLOODBLOODBLOODBLOODBLOOD-_ until he screams at the judge, and is thrashing around, and scratching the arms and faces of the guards, which earns him nothing but screams, and cries of distress. They sound nothing like the screams he’s used to, but it’s enough, just for now. He can’t comprehend- he just needs to get away… _he can’t die now!_

A guard grabs his arm, and Raito kicks and waves his clawed hands around. He’s slammed into the wooden railing suddenly, and he catches glimpse of Watari standing there, holding a computer broadcasting a fancy lettered L. Raito bares his mouth into a wild scowl, and his hands cling on the to wood -tendons and showing on his arms- trying to climb over.

There’s grand commotion in the courtroom, but Raito’s brain can’t think of anything but getting to L, so he can he just stick his fingernails into his eye sockets and watch him scream in terror and _painpainpainpain-_

Raito just needs blood. He just wants to draw blood. _Die all of you, I just want L to die its okay I can to die after he does please IwanthimtosufferIcant take it I need to spill his bloodbloodblood._

Raito scratches at his own arms, making himself bleed despite the protests of everyone around to not let him kill himself ,but that surely doesn't matter since he’s going to die anyways, he just needs to _killsSOMETHING ,_  

Something hits him in the head and Kira is down.

 

**\---**

 

_“Did you tell my family?”_

_“Yes, they all have been informed, and given the details.”_

_“Good.” Raito leans back in his chair, the chains on his straight-jacket making little noises. “Honestly, i’ve grown to accept this death thing. Even if there’s nothing for me at the end, it’s alright. I’ve played the game, and I lost, fair and square. Death is what the losers get. There’s no point in being a bad sport, right?”_

_“I’m surprised you feel that way.” L comments. “I would think Kira would want to live based on his profile-”_

_“Yeah?” Raito snorted. “Well I can either whine, and scream, and beg for mercy, or die with dignity. God’s don’t beg, L.”_

_“They don’t get executed either.”_

_“Touche.”_

 

**\---**

 

Sayu watches as they bury her brother’s dead body into the ground.

She wants to feel remorse, or grief, or something, but she can’t. Really, she feels nothing. She feels absolutely nothing.  
  
And she hates herself for it.

What kind of sister was she? What kind of person can’t cry at their own brother’s funeral? Sayu, that’s who. Of course, it was only Sayu, the worst sister in the world. It’s all her fault...

 

**\---**

 

Raito’s funeral was small.

Sayu looks around herself, and she stares at faces of unknown people- people who once worked alongside her brother in small cases. People who also caught him.

She can’t feel anything but indifference towards them. Just like she feels indifference towards everything else. 

Someone steps in next to her. Sayu turns her head a bit, and realizes it’s the detective father introduced to her earlier.

“Ryuuzaki-san.” she nods her head in his direction.

“I wish I could say Yagami-kun was a good person...” Ryuuzaki starts.

“No, it’s okay.” Sayu shakes her head, and stares his shoulder numbly, frowning. “We all know he wasn’t. It’s not a crime to say that, even if it’s in front of his grave." 

“I see.” Is his mumbled reply. He turns away and sticks his thumb right below his top lip. Must be a tick of his or something, she mentally decides. “So this is how a murderer’s family acts at his funeral.” he murmurs.

“We weren’t really ever close.” Sayu defends. She feels a sting from his words, one she couldn’t easily rub off. _And what is she doing? Why is she lying? What is going on-?_ “He was an amazing big brother...but he was always distant. I mean, surely it can’t be my fault that I don’t feel so sad, right?”

“Of course.” L agrees numbly. “It’s Raito-kun’s fault then.”

“That isn’t-”

“It is. He never attempted to make a close sibling attachment towards you.”

 “I mean, well…” Sayu drifts off. “It can’t...”

  _What the hell am I doing?_

“He should have been closer to his family. I understand-”

“No!” She furrows her eyebrows. “No, wait. It’s not his- I just, he….” she sighs. “I’m just shocked. I never expected someone like my brother to be Kira. He was always so helpful and nice…”

“Liars wear many masks.” L says. 

“So do the depressed.” Sayu argues. “Raito had a problem. It’s my fault for not noticing sooner. He was slowly falling into his own madness, without even knowing it. It’s not Raito’s fault.” Her frown hardens. “It’s never Raito’s fault.”

“But..” L cuts himself off, and nods. “Ah..”

Sayu knows what he was going to say. But he was the one who made the choice to kill... Certainly, it must be.

She continues, “Raito was the best big brother I could ever ask for. He’s the perfect sibling.” Sayu finally realizes something, and numbly adds. “Maybe if he wasn’t smart enough to see the world for how it truly was, then he wouldn’t have started all of this.”

“That is one interesting deduction, Yagami-san.” L notes. He turns back to Raito’s grave. “But I agree. Raito-kun was too intelligent for his own well-being."

“Yeah…”

 

**\---**

 

Two months later, Sayu finally breaks down and cries. 

-And six months after that, she commits suicide.

 

**\---**

 

“Are you alright L?”

L looks up from his computer, and exhales through his nose, putting down his spoon. “Yes… i’ve just been realizing something over the past few days.” 

Watari places a piece of cake in front of L, and hums. “Is about Kira’s sister? It’s so sad to hear how she died. Chief Yagami must be devastated.”

“Hmmm...To an extent yes...it is four percent about her.” He stares down at the pastry in front of him, and takes a piece with his spoon. “I’ve been researching thinking about Raito and looking more into his background, and i’ve realized now, that he’s been suffering with a psychological mental illness this entire time.” L stuffs the cake in his mouth and mumbles, “I’ve been wondering if I made a mistake in executing him. Maybe he could have pardoned and be sent to a hospital for the criminally insane.”

“Oh, hmm yes. “Watari grimly frowns. “But his death was over half a year ago. Surely, you must know there isn’t anything you can do now.”

“I know.” L murmured. “But I just can’t seem to push the thought away.”

“Well.” Watari brings out a vanilla colored folder and puts it down in front of him. “I have a new case you might be interested in. Maybe this will take your mind off things.”

“Yeah, okay.”

 

**\---**

 

Misa cries at Raito’s grave. _It’s not fair._ She thinks. _It’s not fair-!_

 

**_\---_ **

 

_[static]_

 

 _[the camera turns on to show the face of_ **_suspect 1_ ** _\- he’s tied to a white chair in what seems to be in the middle of a white cell. he’s facing downwards, breathing slowly and softly- there’s a cough on a camera-]_

 

_L: You’re on. Please, introduce yourself._

 

 _[_ **_suspect 1_ ** _sighs and glances up]_

 

_Suspect 1: My name is Raito Yagami. I am 17 years old, and I go to -insert highschool here- highschool. I’m in my last year of school, and im on the top of my class._

 

_L: Go on._

 

_Suspect 1: I am Kira. I’m going to be executed tomorrow. My dying request is to have all portraits of me destroyed._

 

_L: And…?_

 

 _[_ **_Suspect 1_ ** _purses their lips- they sigh and look down]_

 

_Suspect 1: Nothing. That’s it._

 

_L: Raito-kun doesn’t have any last words? Nothing to say to his family, or anyone in particular?_

 

_Suspect 1: Not really._

 

_L: I see… Ah, thank you for cooperating with me._

 

 _[_ **_Suspect 1’_ ** _s head lulls to the side lazily]_

 

_Suspect 1: Yes..._

 

_L: Watari, you may turn off the camera’s now._

 

_[static]_

 

\---

 

Seven months after Sayu’s death, the Yagami family is officially known to be no more when her father finally breaks down and ends himself as well.

 (Overdose, they say.)

 L’s not quite what to think anymore. Soichiro was a good, strong-willed man. It’s hard to accept somebody like him would fall to depression. But no, L squashes his confusion. He should know by now that mental debates are always hard a person, no matter how strong they are.

He slowly clicks off the television and turns to his case again, idly reading over a document. It’s sad to know how much Raito is still hurting people, even after being put into the ground...

Guilt stabs at him like a pin needle.

He swallows a lump in his throat, and presses a button to activate his microphone. “Watari, please bring up some sweet tea.”

He doesn’t know why he’s still in Japan, but he just can’t stay away, even if it’s been around two years since Raito-kun’s death. Something is just grounding him here, and he can’t put his finger on what...

“Very well.”

He just can’t shake the thought, that maybe killing Raito wasn’t the best idea. He could have been helped. L speculates it’s Raito’s untamed instanity that caused to be like this. Maybe if Raito-kun was still alive-

No.

L stands up and wanders around the room, twiddling his thumbs. No… There’s no use in trying to be so hung up over this. It won’t do him any good to let his thoughts linger on anything surrounding the Kira case anymore. As far as he was concerned, the Kira case was over, and that was final. Like Raito said, all those months ago-

He played the game, lost, and everybody knows the losers get death. The game they played _was fair._

But still...

“Here you go.” Watari says, opening the door to room they’re in. L looks over and gratefully takes the tea and sips on it. “It’s a little hot.”

“It’s fine, thank you Watari.”

 

**\---**

 

_Raito dreams of tearing apart the bodies of his victims._

_Every breath he takes makes him feel like his lungs are corrupted or something because it feels like he’s dying- but he’s addicted and itfeelsnicesowhatstheproblem?_

_That morning, Raito comes bounding down the stairs with cuts on his arms. He wears a long sleeved shirt to hide it, but while he’s he’s reaching for a bowl, Sayu catches sight of them._

_And maybe it’s a cause for concern._

**Author's Note:**

> Edit(2018): Hello! A lot has changed with my writing style since I first posted this, and i'm seriously cringing at this piece, but thank you for reading my pathetic first attempt at a fanfiction! I know there are a lot of mistakes in this, and possibly plot-holes, but I wrote this way back when. I don't think i'm ever going to come back and edit this any time soon.


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